The Best Future For Your Preschool Child
Position vacant – parent!
If you had to write a job description for a parent – what would you include?
It is not an easy task to come up with a definitive job description for parents but It’s probably fair to say that it’s the job of a parent to care for, nurture and guide their child, to care for their physical needs as well as their emotional, social, spiritual and cognitive wellbeing – to help them get to adulthood relatively unscathed!
I want a good and positive future for my child…
What is it that you want for your child? Are there certain values that are important to you or that you want your child to develop? Qualities or attributes you’d like to instill in your children? Are there certain experiences you’d like your child to have? Are there milestones or achievements you’d like him/her/them to reach? What sort of person would you like him/her/them to become? What does it mean to have a good or positive future? Cast your eye down the following list – perhaps you can circle those that you’d like for your child – which ones, if any, are the most important? Does your partner or other family members share the same values or views as you? What would you add to the list? What would you remove from the list? Are your goals for your child simpler than this? Is it even fair to have some of these goals for your child? Perhaps the ultimate goal is to guide your child to a place where he/she/they can set his/her own goals? To help your child become his/her/their own person?
• Healthy
List #1
• Successful
• Financially independent
• In a happy relationship
• To be a parent
• To be academically successful
• Safe
• Good at sport
• Musical
• Faithful
• Trustworthy
• Independent
• Kind
• Fair
• Wealthy
• Admired
• To go to university
• To have a roof over their heads
• To get a job
• To look after others
• To make their own choices
• To be confident
• To have good friends
• To be a good friend
• Resilience
• Creative
• To care for the environment…
Congratulations – it’s a baby! Anticipation - Expectations - Reality/ the here & now.
Over 30 years of working with children and families I have spoken to a lot of mums and dads as they await the arrival of a new baby in the family. We talk about how the expectant mum is feeling – an aching back and sore feet. We talk about preparations – meals stacked in the freezer, the baby’s bedroom painted. Sometimes we talk about how to help siblings prepare for a new arrival in the family or the logistics of school drop offs. We might talk light heartedly about sleepless nights or about whether the expectant parents know if they’re having a boy or a girl. Occasionally there’s a quiet admission that they are disappointed in the baby’s gender “We would have loved a girl but it’s not to be…” More commonly though, the conversation usually goes something like this “No – we don’t know about the gender and we don’t mind…. As long as she or he is healthy”. Or “yes – it’s a girl/boy…. We are really excited.”
It is typical for expectant parents to focus or to set their priorities on having a healthy baby – “to be healthy – that’s all we want”. It’s also quite normal to expect that parents might wonder a little about the future for their new baby – “will she be tall like her mum?”” Will he be musical like his dad?”
Once the baby is born the focus is usually all about the here and now. After a long nine month wait, families are seemingly catapulted into what feels like an endless cycle of feeding, sleeping, and nappy changes. It becomes important for parents to tune into and to respond to their baby’s needs and rhythms. Parents become quickly familiar with their baby’s likes and dislikes – “He likes it when I hold him like this…” “She loves it when I sing this song”… “he needs to have a sleep at this time…” “She gets cranky if we mix up her routine…”. This focus on the immediate needs of the baby helps the baby develop a sense of trust in and attachment to his/her parents. These early experiences and the interactions between baby and caregivers are not only important – they also impact upon and shape the baby’s developing brain. However, the impact of these early experiences continues to have a significant impact for a few more years yet.
Amazing brain development in the first five years
The research is clear – we know that children’s brains develop rapidly within the first five years of life. Beginning in utero as neurons and synapses form and then as newborns they begin to recognise faces and voices. A typical trajectory would see babies develop early motor skills (rolling over, crawling walking) and over the next few years we see the development of language, more complex motor skills not to mention problem solving and the capacity to engage in more sophisticated tasks (among many other areas of development) – it really is incredible to consider the rapid growth and development that occurs during these early years. And so, it is reasonable to expect that as development occurs that our expectations of our toddlers and preschoolers begin to shift a little.
Shifting expectations – getting the balance right
If someone expected a newborn baby to get up and help pack away his/her rattle, bottle and blankets or to answer a question about whether they’d like to be burped over the left or right shoulder or to drive us to the station, we might think that the expectations being placed upon the baby were somewhat unrealistic! It’s probably fair to say that most people have some shared understandings about what is and isn’t reasonable for a baby to be expected to do.
And yet, it seems that by the time a child reaches the age of 3 or 4 that parents (and teachers) can have wildly differing expectations for these children. Sure, children develop at different rates and in different ways. Children learn to crawl, walk and talk at different ages and stages – we know that right? We know that just because your neighbour’s child walked at 10 months it doesn’t mean your child will follow the same timeline. We know that just because your sister’s child is writing his name at 3 years old that it doesn’t mean your child will also be doing the same thing – right?
Right? When it comes to talking about the development of a 3 or 4 year old – it seems that for many parents the understandings of individual development and learning at one’s own pace are forgotten amidst a truck load of anxiety delivered via mother’s groups discussions, preschool car park comparisons, the completion of private school application forms or even a simple play date between friends. When just three or four years ago the focus was on responding to baby’s needs and adapting to his/her rhythm, being in the here and now – changing the nappy when wet, feeding when hungry – in just a relatively short space of time – it seems external pressures and internal anxieties have led to some parents having and placing unreasonable expectations upon a little person who has only been on the planet for three or four years. We need to get the balance right. Ideally our expectations around development, knowledge and behaviour should shift as children grow older - while at the same time recognising that children do and will develop differently from each other. Indeed we should be aware of general trends in child development and attuned to the possibility that sometimes problems can arise and that development can get off track at times for a variety of reasons. At these times it may be prudent to speak to an expert – your child’s teacher, GP or paediatrician.
For the most part though parents might do well to remember that just a few years ago your focus was on the immediate needs and wants of your little baby. Fact - three and four year olds also need someone to pay attention to their immediate needs and wants and to be an advocate for them in the here and now. Instead of making comparisons with the kid up the road “He’s reading… my child is not”, instead of enrolling in after school coaching lessons or worrying about which high school your child will get into – cast your mind back to the baby in your arms and consider what it might be like to be responsive to that same child’s rhythms, likes, dislikes and interests today, now. And do you know what? The care and responsiveness that you show to your child right now – today – will actually make a difference to your child’s brain and make a difference to his/her future.
If we stop paying attention to what is important for a 3 or 4 year old – if we place unnecessary pressure or unrealistic expectations upon young children and try to accelerate their education or race them ahead in a particular area of learning, then we may actually be preventing them from developing the full range of skills and learning dispositions that are in fact necessary for a positive successful future.
So How do I help ensure a positive future for my preschool aged child?
If we accept that what the scientists, doctors, behaviourists and psychologists are saying about the neuro plasticity of the brain and the significance of early experiences on brain development, then we should know that the decisions that adults make about the care and education of young children really matters. Our actions and our words make a difference. We also need to remember that the brain is the most complex organ in our body and as such we have a responsibility and a tremendous opportunity to nurture and care for the developing brains of young children.
Consider the following skills, developmental and knowledge areas:
• Thinking
List #2
• Reasoning
• Problem solving
• Spatial awareness
• Motor planning
• Language
• Memory
• Sensory awareness
• Physical development
• Emotional development
• Creativity
• Balance
• Interpersonal skills
• Impulse control
These are just a few of the areas that our brain is responsible for – not to mention bodily functions such as breathing, heart rate, sleep patterns, blood pressure, swallowing reflex etc.
Now consider that very first list of hopes, dreams, aspirations you might have for your child. (list # 1)
Whatever your hopes and dreams are for your child – we can probably fairly safely assume that the aforementioned areas of brain development will be very important in helping your child to reach his/her potential. (list #2).
To develop as a whole person – we need to give consideration to the broad spectrum of developmental, skill and knowledge areas and to the provision of experiences that will stimulate the brain in these domains. This does not mean sending children to early reading lessons or forcing them to practice name writing. In fact, such experiences may actually compromise brain development, rather than supporting or enhancing it.
To develop as a whole person – to optimise growth, learning and development – we must get the balance right between responsiveness to the child’s interests, needs and strengths in the here and now while also gently increasing our expectations of children and encouraging them to think more broadly and deeply.
So how do we get the balance right? What’s the answer?
The answer put simply is play. Much has been written and said about the importance of play. There is a strong research base that points clearly to the correlation between the provision of a rich play based early learning environment and healthy brain development. Ask any Early Childhood teacher or child care worker – the importance of a play based early childhood programme is not news to them. There is plenty of evidence to support the notion that play provides a solid foundation for future learning and for the development of life skills.
Play defined
The Oxford dictionary defines play as:
“ engaging in activity for enjoyment, rather than for a serious or practical purpose”.
Other words to describe play include self directed, self initiated, imaginative, voluntary, active, process rather than product focused.
Note - Mum and dad sitting down to “practice writing” or after school phonics programmes does not necessarily constitute play.
Play Matters
The (American) National Association for the Education of Young Children not long ago tweeted the following:
"Children with higher emotional intelligence are better able to pay attention, are more engaged in school, have more positive relationships, and are more empathic." (September 2018)
Early Childhood Australia, in an article citing the benefits of play based learning, talks about the way play actually shapes the structural design of the brain and develops new neurological pathways. They cite evidence for the fact that “Young children’s play allows them to explore, identify, negotiate, take risks and create meaning. The intellectual and cognitive benefits of playing have been well documented. Children who engage in quality play experiences are more likely to have well-developed memory skills, language development, and are able to regulate their behaviour, leading to enhanced school adjustment and academic learning.”
A UK consultant in neuro -developmental education – Sally Goddard Blythe talks about the importance of helping support the development of a child’s imagination. She says in her book – the Genius of Natural Childhood….
“Put simply, imagination is the ability to create visual images in the mind’s eye, which allows us to explore all sorts of images and ideas without being constrained by the limits of the physical world. This is how children begin to develop problem-solving skills, coming up with new possibilities, new ways of seeing and being, which develop important faculties in critical thinking that will help the child throughout life.”
Resisting external pressures
There are a lot of pressures on parents these days. Pressure to balance professional and family life. Pressure to pay the mortgage. Social media awash with pictures of other people’s happy, fabulous families who seem to have life all worked out. Pressure to climb the corporate or career ladder. Magazines dispensing advice as to how to be a “better parent” or how to be slimmer, healthier, more relaxed. It can be really tough to shut out some of this outside noise and to maintain a sense of perspective about what really matters in life.
In the last five-ten years I have seen a heightened level of anxiety and uncertainty among parents. Mums and Dads struggling against some of these external pressures and questioning their own capacity to parent their own children.
Ironically, many of these external pressures come from other parents. One parent mentions that they are sending their child to an after school literacy programme – in turn raising doubt and uncertainty in the minds of other parents – “should I also be sending my child to a reading class”? Parents make comparisons between their own child and others – forgetting that each child develops at their own rate and has their own specific strengths and skills. Commercial companies seduce parents into spending money on all manner of “educational” apps or computer programmes. Comparisons are made between preschool or child care programmes and anxieties are fueled about why they are different from one another. Grandparents place pressure on parents – forgetting that approaches to education and child rearing have changed since they were parents.
Good news for parents
My encouragement to parents is to try to relax and keep it simple. Three and four year old children do not need extra lessons, coaching or to be doing homework after preschool. The good news is that play doesn’t cost much and no fancy equipment is needed. If you are unsure about how to provide a range of play experiences for your child – talk with a preschool teacher – they can support and guide you.
A final word – Support other parents and be kind to yourself
Parents can play a really important part in taking the pressure off each other. Remind each other that your children are only young – that 3 and 4 year olds have not been in this world for very long at all. Remind each other about children developing at their own rate, in their own way. Remember that we need people with a variety of skills, talents and abilities in this world and that each child will grow up to make their own unique contribution. Remind each other that learning involves far more than reading and writing. Remember that children need to want to learn and to be engaged in the process. Next time you are with a group of other parents – perhaps you could ask yourselves – “What kind of life do we want for our children?” Remind the people around you – family members and friends that in order to live a happy, successful and positive life – that we need to develop creatively, emotionally, and socially as well as cognitively and physically. Remind each other of the whole range of developmental and learning areas and that young children will learn and develop best when they are given time to play – that their young brains will develop stronger neural pathways when they are engaged in the complexities of self directed learning through play.
Finally, be kind to yourself and to your child. There is no rule book or manual that comes with being a parent. It can be really hard to figure out how to do what’s best for your child. Treat your child as you would like to be treated – with compassion, respect, connection and empathy. This in turn will help your child develop these qualities as he/she sees them in you. Remind yourself every now and then that having a happy, healthy, child will go a long way towards helping him/her develop into a happy, healthy adult and in the scheme of things isn’t this the ultimate goal for us all?
Felicity Barclay (M.ECh; B.Ed (EC); Dip Tch (EC)
Director – Gordon Community Preschool, Sydney Australia
References / Resources
• Barblett, Lennie, Why Play based learning?, Every Child Magazine, Early Childhood Australia, 2010
• Goddard Blythe, Sally – The Genius of a natural childhood – Secrets of thriving children (2011)
• Brown, Timothy T and Jernigan, Terry L - Brain development during the preschool years (2012)
• The Science of Early Childhood Development (In Brief). Retrieved from Center on the Developing Child (2007).